Summer is drawing to a close and so is our read of Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. I've been away from these posts the last two weeks so we're heading back into Chapter 10 for all my readers who have been following all along. If you just joined us, read more. I think Gretchen has some very helpful insights for us in this chapter.

                   

Chapter 10: Pay Attention

Mindfulness is the focus. Focus on mindfulness. And, already I'm veering off...

Mindfulness is a quality that I feel like I mastered (maybe that's too bold...handled) before I had children. I felt very awake and aware of the world around me.

And then...

I got shivers when I read this paragraph. This is all me.

"I have several tendencies that run counter to mindfulness. I constantly multitask in ways that pull me away from my present experience. I often run on automatic pilot–arriving home with no recollection of having gone from point A to point B. (This sometimes terrifies me when I'm driving; I have no recollection of watching the road.) I tend to dwell on anxieties or hopes for the future, instead of staying fully aware in the present moment. I often break or spill things because I'm not paying attention. When I'm introduced to someone in a social situation, I often forget the person's name as soon as I hear it. I finish eating before I've even registered the taste of my food."

Oh, dear. I need to read more.

Gretchen's resolutions:

• Meditate on koans.
• Examine True Rules.
• Stimulate the mind in new ways.
• Keep a food diary.

I loved that Gretchen scattered notes around her space reminding her to stay focused. I loved that she tried hypnosis (I've always wondered whethe it really helps or not), laughter yoga, drawing, listening to music.

I laughed when I read this, "One problem with not being very mindful, it turns out, is that you have trouble keeping your minderfulness records."

Though I could not relate to portions of the chapter, having not experienced them myself, I appreciated the chance to enter into these efforts through Gretchen's eyes.

And so here's my pinnable..

I'm off to stimulate my mind in new ways.

How are you welcoming happiness this week?

XOXO, MJ

Welcome again, friends! We're exploring Gretchen Rubin's book The Happiness Project every Thursday here on the blog.

This week, we pursue passion. Va va va voom. Sorry, no, we explore A passion (important article there).

                      

Gretchen's resolutions are:

• Write a novel.
• Make time. (wow)
• Forget about results.
• Master a new technology.

The first step in pursuing a passion? Recognizing what you're passionate about. A helpful way to find what this is? Think back to when you were 10...or what you might do if you had a free Saturday afternoon.

Gretchen wanted to make more time...for her, reading is one of the greatest joys. She wanted to carve out more time to dive into the books she loved. To make more time she stopped reading books she didn't love.  Giving yourself permission is an important part of this chapter.

At 10 (let's see that was 5th grade), I loved to draw, craft, read, be outside... Pretty much, if I have a free Saturday (which happens so rarely as a momma of 3 kids under 7) I will start a project...something crafty for me or our home or a friend. And I find that Gretchen's reminder - featured at the top of this post - is really important. Since my time to pursue a passion really only pops up here and there, I have to be okay when I don't finish a project in one sitting or I experience DIY fail. The process is where the passion lies.

So I'll be trying to forget about the results this week, friends.

Where are you finding your passion these days? How do you allow yourself time to foster that passion? I could use some of your insight.

XOXO, MJ

                        

Hi friends! We're switching it up and moving bookclub featuring the lovely read, The Happiness Project, to today. I'll be back tomorrow with some thoughts on Mommy & Daddy School.

This week, we're thinking deep, profound thoughts as Gretchen takes on the topic of spirituality. Her resolutions for this chapter:

• Read memoirs of a catastrophe.
• Keep a gratitude notebook.
• Imitate a spiritual master.

As my subtitle up in the header of this blog suggests, I love my faith, and I rely upon it, too, so this chapter was a particular treat to read and digest.

Here are some keeper ideas for you to take with you this week:

1. From William Edward Hartpole Lecky, "There are times in the lives of most of us when we would have given all the world to be as we were but yesterday, though that yesterday had passed over us unappreciated and unenjoyed." Oof. Yes.

2. Start a one-sentence daily journal. I love, love this idea. I've done lots of different, commitment-heavy journals, and I am intrigued by the idea of capturing a moment from the day through one simple sentence.

3. Gratitude is an important element in our happiness. Try simple ways to incorporate it like focusing on something for which you're thankful while you wait for your computer to wake up in the morning or while waiting for the coffee to brew or at the bus stop.

4. "Knowing what you admire in others is a wonderful mirror into your deepest, as yet unborn, self." Aha.

5. As a Catholic, I relished Gretchen's depiction of the life of St. Therese. I hadn't looked at her life in quite the same way. And I find it so important what Gretchen pulled out for her own path to happiness. "I set out to imitate Therese by doing a better job of acting happy when I knew that my happiness would make someone else happy."

I have so much work to do in my prayer life and spiritual journey. My focus for this week echoes Gretchen's...I will seek to show my happiness and in turn to be happy for the goodness of all those around me.

Here's a pinnable for you...and me.

What thoughts resonated with you? Do you reflect upon any spiritual masters or heroes for your daily living?

XOXO, MJ

Before we get into the meat of our bookclub this week, I need to offer my condolences to our friend, Denise, upon the passing of her father. Of course she's taking some time away from blogging and bookclub to process, and my prayers and thoughts are with her.

In her spirit, we continue forward with this week's chapter from The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. Money, money, money to happiness is the topic. Does filling your bucket with money lead you to happiness? Here are Gretchen's resolutions revolving around money:

• Indulge in a modest splurge.
• Buy needful things.
• Spend out.
• Give something up.

                       

Happiness and money are complicated companions. Gretchen explores the push and pull extensively.

Here are two thoughts I found surprising about our views on money:

1. People measure themselves agains their age peers...so if you feel like you make more money than others your age...you tend to feel happier. People measure their happiness with their pay based on their perceptions of where they fit relative to others.

2. We Americans living in great relative wealth don't rate our quality of life much higher than people living in poverty in Calcutta. (Most people give themselves a mildly happy rating.)

Two thoughts I considered longer:

1. "What makes me happy is to spend money on the things I value–and it takes self-knowledge and discipline to discover what I really want, instead of parroting the desires of other people."

2. "It's easy to make the mistake of thinking that if you have something you love or there's something you want, you'll be happier with more."

In this chapter, for the first time, we get to read how Gretchen handled a perceived failure of her Happiness Project. She begins to doubt all of her resolutions and exercises. I appreciated her simple story of children bickering, bad moods, inconsistent marital messages and how they all led her to want to give up the cause of happiness. She resolved to get more sleep and things looked better after a few days... I can relate to wanting so much to start a plan, focus on positivity, then to have an event (or 7) compound forces against your efforts...so I was happy to be able to relate to her a bit better through her struggle.

So, here's what I'm taking on for this week. Give Something Up. I kind of love the contrary nature of the statement to all associations of happiness and money. I'm still deciding what exactly this might be for me. Perhaps the occasional Starbucks coffee? Maybe that extra cosmetic that I don't really need?

What would it be for you? What role does money play in happiness?

A pinnable for you:

Happy Thursday, friends. XOXO, MJ

Hello, friends! We're talking happiness today in our Thursday bookclub read of the Happiness Project. Gretchen Rubin is taking us through her year-long process of finding happiness in all areas of life. This week my blogger pal, Denise, talked about friendship...go check out her thoughts as a lady on the move.

Gretchen's resolutions for this chapter:

• Remember birthdays.
• Be generous.
• Show up.
• Don't gossip.
• Make three new friends.

Here are some keeper thoughts from the read:

1. All the data proves: we need long-term relationships, involving people with whom we confide, and we need to feel like we belong.

2. No matter what they're doing, people tend to feel happier when they're with other people. The only noted exception to this rule...prayer. And, well, you're not really alone it that either, are you?

3. Be generous. I loved this. A great reminder in our get-it-done systems. Not that we need scientific proof of this, but studies show that your happiness is often boosted more by providing support to other people than from receiving the support yourself. Striving to be happy (through authentic means) isn't a selfish act.

4. Cut people slack. I can do this. Do you find yourself dishing out judgement during your times of stress? Guilty here. And I can see how the simple act of letting it go (or not even bringing it to judgment) would bring happiness all around.

5. Show up. From Woody Allen, "80% of success is showing up." "Familiarity breeds affections," says Gretchen.

6. How do you make new friends? Suggestions from our read:

• Smile more frequently.
• Actively invite others to join a conversation.
• Create a positive mood.
• Open a conversation.
• Try (oh, dear) to look accessible and warm.
• Show a vulnerable side and laugh at yourself.
• Show a readiness to be pleased. (eek)
• Follow others' conversational leads.
• Ask questions.

Okay, friends, here's what I'm taking on this week. See that giant circle up above. I'm focusing on DOING good for others, and I know that is going to lead to feeling good. I recall a time in life, before marriage, and work commitments, and kiddos, that I spent a majority of my leisure time making/buying/sending gifts and cards to friends and family. It brought me such joy...and I'm going to find some ways to do good this week.

How about you? Where will you find the happiness in your friendships?

And just a personal note, here. I received a number of lovely comments and emails yesterday from the Creativity post that I did for Jen Cooper over at Classic Play. To old (you know how you are) and new friends, my cup runneth over. Thank you.

XOXO, MJ

Helllloo, Thursday and Summer of Happiness bookclubbers! We're making our way through the inspiring chapters of Gretchen Rubin's useful guide, The Happiness Project. This week we're smack dab in the middle of F-U-N. Gretchen challenges herself to add more fun into her life through these resolutions:

• Find more fun.
• Take time to be silly.
• Go off the path.
• Start a collection.

First off, can I say that as a new blogger (here we are in month 3 of Pars Caeli) that I was interested to see how much of this chapter Gretchen filled with comments from her blog readers!

Anyway, this chapter poses the broad question: what do you consider fun? I identified with Gretchen's inner struggle of what I'd like to enjoy and what I do enjoy. Here's a useful definition of fun that she uses:

Fun: an activity that's very satisfying, has no economic significance, doesn't create social harm, and doesn't necessarily lead to praise or recognition.

What goes running through your head? Where do you find the fun in your life?

Remember back to your childhood, when you were 10, what did you love to do? I remember being really delighted to be in the double digits when I turned ten. I spent lots of time swimming, playing tennis, hanging out and playing games with my family, reading, drawing...

Forgive me for not being more interesting...I still love doing all of those things. I've added a few more to the list of fun but that first list is a known quantity. I always have fun when engaged in those activities.

I identified with Gretchen's accumulation and time investment in blank books. Couldn't you just visualize her as a red-headed little girl, parked in front of the TV with a snack and all of her goodies, ready to make her next collage? I used to spend extensive time writing poetry and quotations in "fancy writing" (emergent calligraphy), and coloring the backgrounds so that I could hang them up or save them in a special sketchbook. (Gee, I am totally still 10.)

Here's a notion that stuck with me - the three types of fun.

1. Challenging fun: it's the most rewarding but requires the most work to step outside of ourselves.
2. Accommodating fun: having fun with/for the sake of others. It strengthens relationships and builds memories.
3. Relaxing fun: no coordination or heavy investment necessary but the passivity of it all makes us LESS happy than the accommodating and much less happy than challenging fun.

This blog is totally challenging fun for me. Just sayin'.

Alright. so it's time to set a resolution for the week, based on Gretchen's ideas.

Take time to be silly.

Though I love to joke, I'm not the best at silly. Silly can frustrate me or at least make me want to move on to the next task more quickly. But this week I'm starting off on my journey to put more silly back into my life.

How about you, reader friends? Where will you find some fun this week?

Thanks for stopping over! It's always so lovely to have you here.

XOXO, MJ

Don't forget to enter our giveaway (winner announced on Monday)!!

And, we're back! Hope your fourth was a great one. I had a lot of fun welcoming some great ladies over for a virtual pool party. For reals, we had a fabulous time with friends, lounging and watching children play.

When I see my children comfortably interacting with new and old friends, I find it easy to be happy in my role as parent...but this is not always the case, right? Parenting is our topic for this week's bookclub. Just to recap, we're doing a tag-along bookclub with Denise over at Hello Moxie. She posted on this chapter last week (while we have our fabulous guests staying over).

Here's what Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project set forth for herself as she came to April and exploring the relationship of parent and child: 

• Sing in the morning. 
• Acknowledge the reality of people's feelings.
• Be a treasure house of happy memories. 
• Take time for projects. 

I always cheat and read ahead to see what the goals for the next chapter will be and then in my head I assess whether I'd have any, some, or all of the same goals. This list of four struck me as an usual quad for parenting, and I was intrigued to read more. Her pairing of the title "Lighten Up" with Parenthood hit home for sure.

I'm proud to be the mom of two daughters - 7 yo M and 5 yo C - and one son, little L, age 2.
And when I read about what Gretchen described as fog happiness, I totally got it. Check this:

The experience of having children gives me tremendous fog happiness. It surrounds me, I see it everywhere, despite the fact that when I zoom in on any particular moment, it can be hard to identify.

Sometimes I grow frustrated with myself or my children because I don't feel, moment to moment, happy with where we are (I often feel tired, excited, ready). When I can have a bit of separation and can see more clearly, I realize how profoundly happy I am to be their mother and to walk with them through the many stages of development, and it all makes sense under the fog of happiness.

"To become more tender and playful..." is the target for Gretchen. I too have put this as a goal for my mom self on a number of different occasions.  I actually find it very helpful to observe other moms doing this well, and I think of a mom friend that I see in Church. She has 7 little people under her tutelage, and she handles them each with what I call, "soft hands." No matter how her children react/behave (good or bad), she always has a soft hand to encourage, console, correct. She's always reaching out to them, physically and sending them signals of her love through gentility and tenderness.

I adored her strategies for really listening to children's feelings. She's right, and I need to take into account how they feel more often (rather than pushing through with my agenda).

1. Write it down - eg: "I'm going to write that down. Eleanor does not like to wear snowboots."
2. Don't feel as if you have to say anything - Yes! More true with some of our children than others, but when C is frustrated, it's so good to just hug her for 2 minutes than always talk through a situation.
3. Don't say no - eg: instead of saying, "No, not until after lunch" try "Yes, as soon as we're finished with lunch."
4. Wave my magic wand - eg: "If I had a magic wand, I'd make it warm outside so we wouldn't have to wear coats."
5. Admit that a task is difficult - eg: "Socks can be tough to get off."

I think the recommendation of being a treasure house of happy memories is a really smart one.

Because people remember events better when they fit with their present mood, happy people remember happy events better, and depressed people remember sad events better. Depressed people have as many nice experiences as other people - they just don't recall them as well.

I'm all about making up traditions, celebrating and reliving great moments, and this cause me to pause to think about how I share this all with my children.

So here's what I'm taking on for this week:

Acknowledge the reality of my children's feelings.

I feel powerful to have five strategies in which to do this so I'm excited for the happiness that's coming my way. 

Here's a final thought (aka pinnable) to leave you with...the four stages of happiness!

Happy reading, friends!! Do tell, how do you keep happiness alive in your relationships with your children?

XOXO,

MJ

 

The talented Denise at Hello Moxie (hello, have you seen her photos? Wowzer.) has inspired a Summer of Goodness here on Pars Caeli, the weekly bookclub capturing the best elements of The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin.

Last week I challenged myself to Act More Energetic, a resolution that Gretchen had set for herself in Chapter 1. Real quick recap: Done with Difficulty. In the last seven days, I've had both daughters up vomiting through the night, causing worry, mess, and less sleep for all of us. They both recovered quickly but the witching hour of 4pm (that's our roughest hour with everyone between meals and ready for a break. Do you have one of these in your house?) fought me and drained what little bit of zeal I had left in me from sheer determination. Nevertheless, I do think focusing on energy and being more present and awake in the moment was really helpful, and I saw the positive ways my children responded to this effort.

Chapter Two takes us to Marriage

Here are the resolutions that Gretchen set out:

• Quit nagging
• Don't expect praise or appreciation
• Fight right
• No dumping
• Give proofs of love 

My hubby and I have been married ten years in August, and we've been in love for fifteen. I first admired and respected him as a man of great integrity and character. I fell for his wit, his enveloping expressions of love, and his determination. I can be a self-doubter, but I am sure, and I was sure as I've never been before or since, that he was the man for me...the one with whom I wanted to live in happiness for the rest of our lives.

Marriages are as different as the individuals who vow to be a part of them. I thought this, often, as I read through Gretchen's struggles and solutions in this chapter. Had I made a list on how to be happy + married (which I'm crafting) I don't know that I would include points one, two, or four...and I'm not sure if three and five would make my top resolutions.

In fact, in a similar way to Denise, I was pretty frustrated with Gretchen early on in the chapter. I believe that good marriages necessitate both individuals being loudly, passionately, and lovingly themselves. Simple eg: If you feel like sending Valentine cards is an important part of who you are, then your spouse should know this. He/she does not always have to honor every request and whim, but simply swallowing your needs and wants does not lead to happiness (in my experience).

It also felt strange to me that she didn't let her husband into the research and practice more (part of me even felt bad for him as she was experimenting with different approaches to see his reaction).

But I get it. This book is about the process, the project.

Here are some take aways that I did love:

#1. I was entirely engaged with the Fight Right section. I'm fiesty and often too defensive. I could use help here. I am, like Gretchen, a snapper. Her description of couples who fight right made sense.

Couples...tackle only one difficult topic at a time...these couples ease into arguments instead of blowing up immediately-and avoid bombs such as "You never..." and "You always.

 Ewh, yuck, I utter both of those.

#2. I've been rolling this one over and over in my head:

In marriage, it's less important to have many pleasant experiences than it is to have fewer unpleasant experiences, because people have a "negativity bias"; our reactions to bad events are faster, stronger, and stickier than our reactions to good events.

YES! I get this. In fact, my husband just brought up a morning conversation he had with a blogger about how much more attention negative posts get than positive. Our media is geared toward negativity and drama, and our brains are wired for it, too.

#3. Loved this one:

Although men and women agree that sharing activities and self-disclosure are important, women's idea of an intimate moment is a face-to-face conversation, while men feel close when they work or play sitting along someone.

 From the moment I met my husband, I was struck by what a great companion he was. Never had I met someone so open to accompanying and going alongside of me (and not directing, negotiating, or just letting me go on my own). We both work a lot from home, and even the simplest gesture of the dualing laptops, sitting close on the couch means a lot.

#4. The good word from Yeats:

Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing.

Definitely, yes. I have always been given a lovely space to grow and find new pathways to life fulfillments but am I offering the same? How are we helping each other to grow?

So here's what I'm working on for the week. It's not exactly one of Gretchen's resolutions, but she touched on it in her research.

#2 from my takeaways:

Create less negative experiences.

In many ways this ties up all of the resolutions. I am going to work on fighting right & offering more expressions of love. And I'm going to focus on him, and in the forefront of my mind, even with all the craziness that is life, I will create (meaning I have control of this) less negative. And I will naturally create more positive.

What are your thoughts, readers? Did you identify more with Gretchen's resolutions?

What will you take on this week?

Here's a pinnable for you. I've been talking with my kids about this a lot since reading. We've been practicing hugging each other while saying, "I love you, I love you." thoughtfully. That's about six seconds. So far, it's fabulous!

XOXO, MJ